A Wake-up Call for E-Bikers | Melody Abouzari

Disclaimer: This article is satirical

News flash to all e-bikes out there: no one likes you. Electric bikes, and the people on them, are quite literally the bane of everyone’s existence. They’re annoying, hazardous, noise-polluting, menaces that serve the only purpose of blocking the road. In simple words: vermin of the road. Whether you want to admit it or not, the bane of everyone’s existence stems from this electronic bike of death.

You see, it all started at the beginning of the pandemic, when the boredom began. Everybody was looking for a fresh new toy to test out and bring serotonin, and thus the e-bike became the perfect candidate. They were eco-friendly, active, and best of all, an excuse to go outside. The e-bike phenomenon was not only popular but viral. And viral in the sense that they were like a virus, roaming the streets like vermin and clogging the bike racks with their excessively large wheels.

But here’s the thing: you might think you’re cool when you’re on the back of an e-bike, but you’re not. Instead, you’re an irresponsible teenager who simply doesn’t know how to handle a car. And who told you that not wearing a helmet is in trend? It’s really not cool, instead, you look like a kid just asking for a concussion. So please, for the sake of everyone, wear a dang helmet.

Another gripe I have with the e-biking community is their obsession with driving at the absolute SLOWEST speed possible to mankind. Like, why do they have to insist upon driving in every possible lane other than the bike lane? Not only are they putting themselves in danger of being potentially hit, but they are also putting other civilians and drivers at risk of causing an accident. If they just stayed in their lane, sure, maybe we can talk. But as I have no faith in them actually doing this, I think that this situation with the lanes will never change.

I understand the appeal of e-bikes. Truly, I do. They’re low commitment ways to get past the DMV’s extensive tests and regulations. You’re basically paying the fee of a bike to skip all the hassle and rules of the road laid out by the DMV. So, good on you for cheating the system! And besides driving in the streets, you also can zoom through campus all you want! Nothing helps you wake up before the first period better than a potential hit and run committed by somebody on the back of an electric bicycle. And honestly, my true problem doesn’t start with the e-bike itself. It’s not the e-bikes I hate, per se – it’s the e-bikers themselves.

When interviewing fellow Pulse Staff members, most everyone agrees with the opinion that e-bikers just got to go. One anonymous Raven on the Pulse Staff stated, “I do not care about their safety when I am behind the wheel.” Another claimed, “They think they own the road, and also what even is the point of biking if you’re not even exercising?” In my opinion, if there is a majority viewpoint that these menace machines should be banned, then why aren’t they?

To sum it up, short and simple e-bikes (and their riders) need to go. Period.